Falling deeper into the pit
The light is being swallowed and i struggle to see
Hope is disintegrating as i fall
I don't like me.
I'm falling into another brick wall
Please can i feel tall , like the stars are within reach
I feel i can learn something if there's someone willing to teach
I feel undermined and like i can't breath
I want to exist , i don't want existence
I am the sprout left on the plate at christmas
I am not dwelling in self pitty
Nor am i an attention seeker
I am what i believe .... a failure.
Lost so much , a space that i can't replace
I've been bad i've been good
But i feel so misunderstood
I have potential and a hunger in my belly
But each time i try , i don't try hard enough
I'm hoping the brick wall will crumble
and my belly rumble
so that sprout left at Christmas can become humble.
Saturday, 6 September 2014
Wednesday, 13 August 2014
Alcohol Oh Alcohol
Alcohol oh Alcohol , why does no one care , why is reality so hard to bear , Oh Alcohol Alcohol please take me there , to that special place only me and you share. You give me peace from the demons inside , the rollercoaster of a day in time and the pain i want to decline. Alcohol oh Alcohol , how do you dare x I started on a Bacardi or two and now i'm forced to special brew. Dear Alcohol please tell me the truth , i've got nothing to lose .....
Okay Dear Alcohol abuser i will answer you this once , so please write it down before you forget.
You are self medicating , you need help , there are people who care but your drinking of me too much pushes them away. You've had it tough , you deserve to be happy , you deserve a life , one not drunk. Those bridges i've helped you break ..... you alone can rebuild and be forgiven for what i have caused you to be. You have fallen down a hole , you feel there is no way out , this is going to be the hardest thing you will hopefully do .... but trust me you will come out stronger. But there's only one person you can do it for ... and that is you. You are worth it .... you will find your happiness.
Okay Dear Alcohol abuser i will answer you this once , so please write it down before you forget.
You are self medicating , you need help , there are people who care but your drinking of me too much pushes them away. You've had it tough , you deserve to be happy , you deserve a life , one not drunk. Those bridges i've helped you break ..... you alone can rebuild and be forgiven for what i have caused you to be. You have fallen down a hole , you feel there is no way out , this is going to be the hardest thing you will hopefully do .... but trust me you will come out stronger. But there's only one person you can do it for ... and that is you. You are worth it .... you will find your happiness.
Friday, 8 August 2014
I quit smoking the easy way - My Journey
You know that flem , the mostly transparent stuff , the stuff you spend decades of minutes trying to thrust from your lungs , you do ? Well i use to hate it ! I mean it was expected when i had a cold or flu but for me it was all the time ..... That's smoking for you. Not just that but i was embarrassed by my own fingers , lips and teeth .... they were orange ! and it was very noticeable yet i wasn't about to turn to the bleach and a scrubbing sponge like my partner did ! needless to say i wanted them gone.
I smoked roll ups , and lots of them and since the tobacco raised in price to closer £20 then £10 for a 50 gram i really struggled to afford it , i never counted ( was never that brave to face reality ) but a very rough average i reckon would be about 30 a day .... every time i felt an ounce of stress , i flicked , licked and sticked those roll ups. Obviously i was addicted but i smoked sometimes when i didn't need to just for the moments brain rest it gave me.
I had tried gum , patches but to no prevail , i never felt ready to quit , i didn't have that determination and mental strength , i felt like i enjoyed it.
So one day i tried an ecig , Ross my partner bought a couple from the chemist one day , you know the type that look like real cigs? Well let me just say , this time round it did not work , we both tried it and then basically lost them down back of couch without bothering to fetch them .... is one way of putting it.
Anyways time went on ..... let me add my partner had smoked since he was 8 , i didn't want to quit unless he did but i thought at that point he wasn't going to quit , he told me in frank words that he will never quit to be exact.....
So time went on and my sister started vaping , she bought a very cheap kit and it was the real fag look a like ones ..... anyways she was doing really well with it and bought and sent one to me , because obviously mine was down the back of sofa , and i didn't fancy the strain. I used it and i must say it was an improvement , but it didn't work well enough for me personally , so it got me looking at these what i felt at the time looked ultra complicated vaper cigs ( the ones which don't look like fags ) , i decided to go straight in there and got a full kit with 10ml of the highest nicotine level they had LOL ( should have got 18mg and did in the future ) for around £15 , I didn't buy my partner one because he was adamant he wouldn't quit smoking.
Anyways my new kit arrived and all of a sudden my partner looked at it like it was a gadget , and me being abit of a ditzy do do , didn't know how to fill it let alone unscrew the thing , so my partner did the nitty grittys and passed it to me , i took a vape and by golly it was powerful ( abit harsh ) but it soon took away my cravings and had a nice taste about it.
Afew days later my partner got one too ! and in that time i had quit smoking fags all together , the first few days i maybe had 3 or 4 , mainly in morning and last thing on a night. But i didn't need them .... my brain at the time just wanted them.
Anyways now both me and my partner for months and months ( sorry haven't counted the time ) have quit smoking fags all together and just vape. Vaping has made our lungs feel so much healthier and we no longer cough up junk , have orange fingers ect , and we don't stink !!!! we now realise how bad smoke actually smells and we'll never go back to it. If vaping ceased to exist .... i'd rather go cold turkey then go back to real cigs ... Why? because quitting has given me the insight i never had when i was delusionally smoking my life away. Oh and let me add its way cheaper.
Any how i will talk about this more and the types of mods you can get rather then just a stick battery at a later time , if you have any suggestions or questions let me know :D
I smoked roll ups , and lots of them and since the tobacco raised in price to closer £20 then £10 for a 50 gram i really struggled to afford it , i never counted ( was never that brave to face reality ) but a very rough average i reckon would be about 30 a day .... every time i felt an ounce of stress , i flicked , licked and sticked those roll ups. Obviously i was addicted but i smoked sometimes when i didn't need to just for the moments brain rest it gave me.
I had tried gum , patches but to no prevail , i never felt ready to quit , i didn't have that determination and mental strength , i felt like i enjoyed it.
So one day i tried an ecig , Ross my partner bought a couple from the chemist one day , you know the type that look like real cigs? Well let me just say , this time round it did not work , we both tried it and then basically lost them down back of couch without bothering to fetch them .... is one way of putting it.
Anyways time went on ..... let me add my partner had smoked since he was 8 , i didn't want to quit unless he did but i thought at that point he wasn't going to quit , he told me in frank words that he will never quit to be exact.....
So time went on and my sister started vaping , she bought a very cheap kit and it was the real fag look a like ones ..... anyways she was doing really well with it and bought and sent one to me , because obviously mine was down the back of sofa , and i didn't fancy the strain. I used it and i must say it was an improvement , but it didn't work well enough for me personally , so it got me looking at these what i felt at the time looked ultra complicated vaper cigs ( the ones which don't look like fags ) , i decided to go straight in there and got a full kit with 10ml of the highest nicotine level they had LOL ( should have got 18mg and did in the future ) for around £15 , I didn't buy my partner one because he was adamant he wouldn't quit smoking.
Anyways my new kit arrived and all of a sudden my partner looked at it like it was a gadget , and me being abit of a ditzy do do , didn't know how to fill it let alone unscrew the thing , so my partner did the nitty grittys and passed it to me , i took a vape and by golly it was powerful ( abit harsh ) but it soon took away my cravings and had a nice taste about it.
Afew days later my partner got one too ! and in that time i had quit smoking fags all together , the first few days i maybe had 3 or 4 , mainly in morning and last thing on a night. But i didn't need them .... my brain at the time just wanted them.
Anyways now both me and my partner for months and months ( sorry haven't counted the time ) have quit smoking fags all together and just vape. Vaping has made our lungs feel so much healthier and we no longer cough up junk , have orange fingers ect , and we don't stink !!!! we now realise how bad smoke actually smells and we'll never go back to it. If vaping ceased to exist .... i'd rather go cold turkey then go back to real cigs ... Why? because quitting has given me the insight i never had when i was delusionally smoking my life away. Oh and let me add its way cheaper.
Any how i will talk about this more and the types of mods you can get rather then just a stick battery at a later time , if you have any suggestions or questions let me know :D
Tuesday, 5 August 2014
Some of My art - water colours and inktense pencils
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| A water colour painting i did of a lion cub |
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| This one i created using inktense pencils |
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| A watercolour pig i painted |
Hello !! Welcome to my blog
Well i came up with the idea of starting a blog , and here it is ! My question to myself is " Why did i start a blog? " My answer is i'm not sure ! I guess the crazy bone told me too ! lol x
Anyways my names Mia and this month i've been with my partner 10 years !!!! exciting stuff , i always looked forward to saying we'd been together a decade ! I live with a cat too , his names Enzo ... say hello Enzo , he said howdy partner ... but hey close enough ! Isn't he a beauty ....
Well my interests are mental health ( i have bipolar ) , Music ( Music is amazing ) , Taking photos , losing weight ( urgh ) , doing the odd painting , my cat Enzo :) , my family , writing the odd poem and maybe afew more i will get to later :)
Lots of love Mia x
Anyways my names Mia and this month i've been with my partner 10 years !!!! exciting stuff , i always looked forward to saying we'd been together a decade ! I live with a cat too , his names Enzo ... say hello Enzo , he said howdy partner ... but hey close enough ! Isn't he a beauty ....
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| Howdy Partner ! |
Lots of love Mia x
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